


What Goes Up

by ArtsyAfrodite



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Fic!February, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 06:58:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1183260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtsyAfrodite/pseuds/ArtsyAfrodite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’d sling Appletinis tonight for the big tips, and dance on the diamonds he saw in the floor.  He glued a smile over the sadness that long settled in the freckles you could barely see now.  But he was happy, he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Goes Up

Now, it was the only thing that made him feel – _wanted._

He by no means needed the validation, his own family conditioning him to never expect it.  He just needed that elevated feeling of pure want and how it fluttered around your insides and made them tingle.  The choice wasn’t as daunting as the addiction, that craving of being required in some form just another notch in the headboard he didn’t even have for how many times he’d been fucked. 

It was merely _sleigh ride_ or _dancing shoes_.  This time’s to pick his poison, the repetitive streams of colored lights piercing his eyes and reminding him that he wasn’t right _.  So time to get right._

He wasn’t in the mood for sniffing white lines in the bathroom stalls, so tonight it would be all about Molly.  Whatever the choice, as long as he could feel the false reality lingering on his skin in beads of sweat and coursing through his veins at lighting speeds, he’d catch a good night.  Ian Gallagher got good at this.  Pretending was easy, as long as he could somehow touch the sky in the White Swallow and never come down.

Ecstasy was swallowed and now nothing was impossible, his figurative red cape perched atop his shoulders.  Ian felt superhuman.  _Up, up, up._ And away he flew, part superhero, part mixologist – zero him.  He’d sling Appletinis tonight for the big tips, and dance on the diamonds he saw in the floor.  He glued a smile over the sadness that long settled in the freckles you could barely see now.  But he was happy, he was.  He had all he needed; being out without shame, the convenience of acceptance for even his most taboo habits. 

But family is _all_.  It was seeing his siblings that reminded him of that, his elevated state not even a decent escape from the way Lip carried concern in his voice and Debbie’s heartbreaking stare.  They found him when he couldn’t.  _‘I’m okay I swear’_ read his actions, but his siblings knew him well and interpreted what was between the lines.  He was not okay.  But Ian was up, up, up, and maybe he’d stay there.  Lip and Debbie took the high with them as they exited the club, harsh gravity replacing it.

Ian didn’t see the ground the next morning when he crashed.  His head weighed more than his body and his spine felt tedious.  To stand up straight was painful so he chose to lie instead.  To think, weeks ago in the Army, his posture was golden, standing straight a daily goal.  It was hard when he got like this, the depression he wore around his neck pulling him down.  From superhero to Quasimodo.  He’d sleep on the coals he felt on the floor and under the cinderblocks that weighted down his chest.  It was all a part of this cycle.

Now pretending is hard and Ian Gallagher longs to see family; longs for the stability his mind shook loose long ago.  But no one ever saw it.  _Down, down, down._

Because what goes up, must.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a quick one shot inspired by episode 4.05, "There's the Rub" from the scene at the White Swallow when Lip and Debbie finally find Ian. It was so exciting to see Ian back, but really heartbreaking at the same time. He is obviously dealing with some major issues. I couldn't help but imagine what he feels before each night when he goes to work, missing his family, missing Mickey - but convincing himself he doesn't. I decided to not mention Mickey in this, because as much as I love Gallavich, I long to see Ian re-connect with his family.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


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